Behind the white flower, behind the note

And so shall my heart's content be made known...


For so long I had spent my time thinking,
Analyzing,
On how I can change everything into your desire,

Using your past relationships to guide me on,
Motivating me to be that perfect love you need.

While they played behind your back, treating you like a tool,
I stood loyal to you, even when we're just dating,

While they neglected you, through activities and friends,
I put in a lot of effort trying to include you in all my activities, with all my friends,
To the extent you'll never complain about us not having quality time.

While they filled you in with sweet lies, clever humor to impress you,
I risked it all letting you see my every flaws,
Letting you know not just the good things I did,
But the worst things I've done,
I opened up with all honesty in exchange for your trust in me.

While they tried controlling your world,
I gave you freedom to go out with whoever you want,
Though there are times I actually mind,
It may seems shaky, but I trusted you enough that your emotions won't get in the way again,
Even when I seem to be insecure about it,

You know having you in my life is something to be so well damn secured about.

You can go on and keep saying I'm trying too hard,
And I'm telling you I won't, if I don't care for you just as much.

I have my flaws,
I have my mistakes.

Everyone have those,
The only differences is whether they learn from it,
They're willing to ask forgiveness for it,
And how they're willing to change it.

But no,
You don't see it that way.

You don't see it that way because you're seeing someone else while we're getting so close,
Hinting insecurity into my heart,

You don't see it that way because of my mistake in trusting you that you won't develop another set of emotions for that someone else,

You don't see it that way because you didn't bother to try and fix our problems when I'm so willing to.


You just don't see it that way because you're already in love with someone else.


Instead you totally gave up and left me there,
Making me believe your every little lies that it's never about someone else,
Assuring me we would still be friends.

Then you went silent,
And He came out from the blue calming me down with words after words,
Assuring me how everything's gonna be smooth-sailing for you from now on.

Presumably three days later,
I got on your profile and you guys are already attached.

It thrown me hard enough for me to be smiling in tears,
Partly insane, yet I got a hold on to myself.

I made the effort to make a video of us, of our memories as a last special gift I hoped you will treasure,
But someone who seems to be that nice guy talking to me,
Showed a totally opposite attitude right after he succeeded gaining your love and trust.

Telling someone who's suffering from his greatest wounds ever, things like "FUCKING MOVE ON.. IF YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH IT.. KILL YOURSELF."


And that's trust?

It's only the first day being in a relationship,
And he got himself insecure to that extent?

Yet you still can protect him saying this and that just because what?
He is your boyfriend?

Excused from all the negative facts?

You've set a fine example that you haven't changed a single bit,
Always acting too rashly,
Always blinded before the world.

3 days from a "break-up" and going into a relationship,
Do you dare call it "giving time" as we spoke of after visiting a friend in the hospital that night?

"4 years of waiting" and you can actually fall for it totally?


Now,
No more.

No more should I suffer for someone who claimed "there is no happiness with him" referring to me.

Which means all these while you were just faking everything,
The smiles,
The hugs,
The kisses,

And every special moments.

No more should I strain my time just to lead you towards your bright future.


I'll keep hurting myself with memories of you,
When all of these is over,
I'll make sure I put this strong immunity I'd gained into use and eventually stop caring for any relations to you.

I'm suffering to the extent I can get asthma-attacks everytime I found you in my deep memories,
My lungs are weak from all the heavy-smoking,
And there are times I don't know what I'm doing.


It's that bad,
If you still care.


Whether or not I'll still be here,
Let God decide.

But to the promise we've made together,
Only in death, will break it apart.


In this happiness you speak so highly about.




Be happy,
Lanny

A song to say Goodbye.

With song regards to;

Sweet Misses - Melfraps
Mr Brightside (Cover) - Myself

The Last Straw

The First time you left,
When I was but someone whose mysteries still uncovered,
Someone who was still wholesomely himself,
Arrogant and annoying, with a little bit of warmth that was longing to show itself

Strange on how I think about it now,
When we barely knew each other yet I gained so much trust in you,
So much hope,
I'd forget the world just to remember you

I can't blame it on our distance,
Because someone before you proved that untrue,
I can't blame it on your looks,
Because none I knew has really complimented you so much as they did to my ex-girlfriends,
Nor can I blame it on love at first sight,
For reasons you'll hate me for putting it here

Chemistry; as I've always spoke this word to you,
Conversations can never get bored and there's always something somewhere,
For you to go "SNAP-ing" all about,
It got me too close to you for comfort

You left eventually one day, without a single word,
It had me in a panic-shock, walking by our meet-up place at every opportunity,
You disappeared too suddenly,
Every second that ticks, I was praying hard,
That none of the scenarios in my mind were true

I got through you finally one day,
That strongest sense of relief I've ever felt,
Though until now, I'd still have doubts on the reasons you gave,
It doesn't matter back then, it's all about you still in my life

Then came that infamous phrase I wasn't expecting to hear,
"Can we just be friends?", came your voice over the phone,
It just struck me down too hard,
Both of us shed uncontrollable tears

The next thing I know,
You were already back to your "ex" boyfriend,
Even knowing how wrong it was for me to stay,
Somehow I had the feeling, it's me you really need

All I ever cared about then, was making you happy,
Making you smile again while your tears dries up,
Taking you to the brightest side of life,
Coming up with words of wisdom to strengthen every parts of you

I remembered while we were on the escalator in ION Orchard,
How you muttered that you understand how it felt in making people smile again,
Did you know it was one of the best phrases that ever came out from you?
That extreme warm sensation I felt circulating my blood

There was more than just chemistry then,
The strong emotions attached kept me from giving up,
Until the day you finally let go of your troubled past,
I took a step forward a little way too early

Coming up with a list of potentials,
Defining my character as the one you seemed to really need,
You set my hopes multiplying uncontrollably,
To the extent my paranoia followed suit

Budget pass office, the same place I first talked to you on the phone,
You named a man that was never in your list,
Stole your heart with clever humor and intriguing randomness,
That was the real start,
You saw the act of my paranoia at its worst

You felt too caged up, You felt I was trying too hard in desperation,
I kept pushing your mind hard for answers,
Getting too paranoid at tiny issues,
Leading you no longer to the bright side,
But to the end of the cliff

So it happened again, finding out you had to leave me for another,
Understanding too late that I was the cause of everything,
But still you forgave me,
Believing in my doubts that something is just not right in between you two

The day came when I brought you to someone who had the answers,
How the three of us gathered enough strength to get everything out from his mouth,
While I was relieved, I too was afraid to see you break in my view,
Yet I have to do what it takes to set your future bright again

Another era ended, and it took us some time,
Till you accepted me by your side again.

My life starts to have a meaning to it then,
All the days spent with you were some of the most special days I lived for,
Cuddling around, blowing on each other's tummy, roaring with laughter,
I was so much in love with you then

I wanted you to feel how special you are to me,
Browsing through the top most romantic restaurants to bring you on your special day,
Trying to come up with suprises that I hope will get you wanting more,
I'd sacrifice anything just to keep you here

You showed me more warmth,
You showed me more tender loving care,
Giving me the signs that you're starting to have faith in me,
That it's gonna affect you in everything I'm doing for myself

When you got all roughed up because my poly applications didn't go through as I planned it to be,
When you kept pestering me to appeal and even accompanying me to the respective polys,
How you got so mad because I drank,
And all the things I have to go through in my life,
You gave me so much reassurance that I would do it well

Yet I was blind.

I went back against my own words,
Or maybe worse.

How I've neglected you when you're watching me on webcam while I paid attention to games instead,
Even when you're on the phone I'd still yelling gibberish while playing.

How forceful I became to get things the way I want them to be.

Even though I managed to reduce the jealousy from the way it was before,
The negatives were still winning.

They were right,
I've changed.

I let me ego get the best of me again,
I let my paranoia blind me from your love again.

Perhaps,

That was the last straw.

And I've realised it all too late again.

I'm just too disgusted with myself now.


I beg your forgiveness, dearest love.




I'd forget the world just to remember you,
Lan

In a speck of time,

Emotions changed.


Sigh.

Keep the faith honey,


'Cause I know it gonna pays all the effort we made.



I love you baby.

:)