The end has no end

The nights of constant insomnia,

The days wasted on my increasing paranoia,

The harshness of your words I kept myself surviving throughout conversations,

I've grown weary of these fights in vain.

It was a mystery how I could bring myself to that decision,

It will be no longer.

There are things you never liked about me,

And I have that fair share of mine.

I used to be able to voice out my concerns in all out honesty,

To influence him or her to see the brighter side of things,

To put in effort to get oneself into the light of things,

Not just pondering and lengthening until the darkness assumed control over them.

But I can no longer.

For every point I wanted to get through you,

I had to go through series of debates,

Series of arguments,

Even most of the times my care and concern showed tends to end up in vain.

To the extent I started to grow fear to actually be there for you when you're in trouble,

Cause' in the end, both of us will end up hurt for the arguments we fought.

My view of life and yours, they always contradicts,

Even when mine was shared amongst those close to you,

You always bring up that "I know myself better than anyone" attitude into picture.

You shunned away help when we all know you need it,

You went against all others who wanted to get to you and correct you,

When we really felt our hearts reaching out in care for you,

You destroyed it with hostility in the next instant.

You want people to stand with you,

To agree with you,

To fight for the same cause you're fighting for.

Then you felt your life is slowly deteriorating,

You felt the pressure of people going against you,

You felt what you believe is true, is turning false.

But instead of exploring possibilities why we think what we think,

You flared up at us for putting you down.

Then you started making mistakes,

And more mistakes,

Because you're determined to help yourself first,

To be independent before dependent.

But you don't see these mistakes,

You didn't see the mistakes you made along the way,

That let your past haunts you again,

Slowly playing with your mind until you become what you are now.

The efforts you put in,

Were to sustain you,

But never improving you.

I'll be honest with you on this one,

But it disturbs me like hell when you feel as if its killing you to just apologise to someone,

Even your best-friend.

At one time,

I remember how you kept saying she knows you inside out,

She's always there to help you out on problems,

And you feel damn right appreciative of her presence.

Then a fight broke out cause of the both you in hostility season.

Which then I approached you,

Talking you out on taking the first move to apologise and reclaim back the friendship,

Putting aside the ego.

A little sacrifice for the greater gain.

But no,

You chose to point out her faults,

Point out reasons why she don't make a good best friend,

Explaining to me its always you doing the "good" and she did almost nothing noteworthy,

Even dismissing the fact that you have friends.

For all I know it could have been spoken out of anger,

But in all honestly,

That was the most disgusting sight of you yet.

You kept saying it was due to you being overly-nice that people steps over your head,

But didn't you noticed?

I only heard.

But I never seen it in action.

Furthermore,

Why stopped being nice just because people steps over your head?

If it's a good thing, why stop it?

Why redirect it into hostility instead?

It makes sense if you learn to control your "nice" attitude,

But to overturned it totally,

It just puts you in a darker picture.

And I'm pretty sure,

By now you have your fingers pointed at me again,

Ready to point out all you feel is untrue,

Ready to point out that I'm blinded,

Rejecting all these faults I made you an example of.

Tell you what,

I'll cut you some slack and accept that I'm everything you point at me for.

But do yourself a little favor,

Understand the reasons, intentions, as to WHY I'm saying all these.

And the decision itself,

You know it yourself you're the second girl I had to call it off.

The first was due to religious issues,

The second was as you've said to me,

You find me a disappointment.

Hurts me like fuck to say this,

But thats what I feel too.

- Your anger is out of control

- I felt my honesty is more like a crime than a gift

- Healthy Conversations died, arguments takes its place

- You limiting your views to what you think is right

- You blasted my care back at my face with hostility

- Our views contradicts each other

- You always made me feel worthless, without explaining reasons in depth

- I've grown tired of your "You just don't get it", "You fail to read in between the lines", and theories that never fit in just to win arguments.

(12:34 AM) Natashah.: u wanted me to look at the whole we paper
yet
u only look at the balck dot
*black (12:34 AM) Catch me if yo: what black dot are you exactly talking about (12:35 AM) Catch me if yo: what black dot am i looking at
its contents?
tell me about its contents (12:35 AM) Natashah.: everything (12:35 AM) Catch me if yo: if the black dot is everything
what is the whole white paper (12:36 AM) Natashah.:
see wad i mean? (12:36 AM) Catch me if yo: nope i dont (12:36 AM) Natashah.: u just dont get it (12:37 AM) Catch me if yo: tell me (12:37 AM) Natashah.: we no longer see ye to eye (12:37 AM) Catch me if yo: if you keep throwing random quotes at me of course i wont get it (12:37 AM) Catch me if yo: there is no supporting documents that goes with it (12:37 AM) Catch me if yo: its like you giving me a chair with no legs on it
and im figuring out how to use this thing (12:38 AM) Catch me if yo: just tell me slowly (12:38 AM) Natashah.: bcoz u chose not to get it

And that,

Was the downturn of everything I hope I can still fight for.

I took that time off to talk to my friends,

My classmates,

Hearing out opinions and their views.

To prove to myself that I'm not blinded.

Then I saw the point.

What's the use of prolonging all these when you had your fair share of taste,

On winning arguments with me weakening myself just to keep you happy?

We won't be happy,

We will never be.

So I decided to called it off.

I prefer not existing in your life,

Rather than to be unreal to you and lying to myself everyday.

I never lost my feelings towards you,

It has been difficult and it still is for me to accept.

You live your life,

I live mine.

Hopefully in the future,

You see changes as lessons rather than burdens.

To Someone I Held Dearly,

Lan