Behind the white flower, behind the note

And so shall my heart's content be made known...


For so long I had spent my time thinking,
Analyzing,
On how I can change everything into your desire,

Using your past relationships to guide me on,
Motivating me to be that perfect love you need.

While they played behind your back, treating you like a tool,
I stood loyal to you, even when we're just dating,

While they neglected you, through activities and friends,
I put in a lot of effort trying to include you in all my activities, with all my friends,
To the extent you'll never complain about us not having quality time.

While they filled you in with sweet lies, clever humor to impress you,
I risked it all letting you see my every flaws,
Letting you know not just the good things I did,
But the worst things I've done,
I opened up with all honesty in exchange for your trust in me.

While they tried controlling your world,
I gave you freedom to go out with whoever you want,
Though there are times I actually mind,
It may seems shaky, but I trusted you enough that your emotions won't get in the way again,
Even when I seem to be insecure about it,

You know having you in my life is something to be so well damn secured about.

You can go on and keep saying I'm trying too hard,
And I'm telling you I won't, if I don't care for you just as much.

I have my flaws,
I have my mistakes.

Everyone have those,
The only differences is whether they learn from it,
They're willing to ask forgiveness for it,
And how they're willing to change it.

But no,
You don't see it that way.

You don't see it that way because you're seeing someone else while we're getting so close,
Hinting insecurity into my heart,

You don't see it that way because of my mistake in trusting you that you won't develop another set of emotions for that someone else,

You don't see it that way because you didn't bother to try and fix our problems when I'm so willing to.


You just don't see it that way because you're already in love with someone else.


Instead you totally gave up and left me there,
Making me believe your every little lies that it's never about someone else,
Assuring me we would still be friends.

Then you went silent,
And He came out from the blue calming me down with words after words,
Assuring me how everything's gonna be smooth-sailing for you from now on.

Presumably three days later,
I got on your profile and you guys are already attached.

It thrown me hard enough for me to be smiling in tears,
Partly insane, yet I got a hold on to myself.

I made the effort to make a video of us, of our memories as a last special gift I hoped you will treasure,
But someone who seems to be that nice guy talking to me,
Showed a totally opposite attitude right after he succeeded gaining your love and trust.

Telling someone who's suffering from his greatest wounds ever, things like "FUCKING MOVE ON.. IF YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH IT.. KILL YOURSELF."


And that's trust?

It's only the first day being in a relationship,
And he got himself insecure to that extent?

Yet you still can protect him saying this and that just because what?
He is your boyfriend?

Excused from all the negative facts?

You've set a fine example that you haven't changed a single bit,
Always acting too rashly,
Always blinded before the world.

3 days from a "break-up" and going into a relationship,
Do you dare call it "giving time" as we spoke of after visiting a friend in the hospital that night?

"4 years of waiting" and you can actually fall for it totally?


Now,
No more.

No more should I suffer for someone who claimed "there is no happiness with him" referring to me.

Which means all these while you were just faking everything,
The smiles,
The hugs,
The kisses,

And every special moments.

No more should I strain my time just to lead you towards your bright future.


I'll keep hurting myself with memories of you,
When all of these is over,
I'll make sure I put this strong immunity I'd gained into use and eventually stop caring for any relations to you.

I'm suffering to the extent I can get asthma-attacks everytime I found you in my deep memories,
My lungs are weak from all the heavy-smoking,
And there are times I don't know what I'm doing.


It's that bad,
If you still care.


Whether or not I'll still be here,
Let God decide.

But to the promise we've made together,
Only in death, will break it apart.


In this happiness you speak so highly about.




Be happy,
Lanny