The Untold Story: "The Same Man in the Brighter White"

Chapter 1

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That very hall was painted with fear, with pain, with fatigue that knows no bounds,

Yet at the same time it felt alive, hinted courage, teamwork, and a change of life.

Along with the others, I waited in my plain red shirt and bleached-brown khaki,

Nervously sitting there in fear on what else is going to happen around this place.

I took glances at the others, now my squad mates, each bearing different looks.

The blur ones, the fearful, and the ones telling me how ready they were with that confidence.

As fast as I assumed their expressions,

That booming voice came in,

Suddenly everyone's eyes cowered in fear.

"I want all of you boys to stand up and throw your bags to the floor!"

That very fear staggered a few of us, including myself, to lift up our already heavy self,

"I SAID STAND UP! YOU'RE ALL UNDER ME NOW!"

That man was well-built, dark-skinned, and good-looking in a way,

With such towering voice, such commanding tone, with a face that instills discipline.

We did what the man said,

Got up and left our bags on the floor.

Commanded us to throw everything that is in our backpack onto the floor.

He came to us one by one, recklessly sweeping over everything we threw on the floor,

Humiliating one for bringing in a teddy bear who claimed it was a gift from his sister,

Kept shouting things like declaring cigarettes or be done for.

I was shaken literally when he came over to my side.

"Kalau kau bawak rokok atau charger handphone, surrender sekarang sebalum aku masuk campur."

Having been in the Military Band when I was younger,

I answered to his questioning of whether I've brought in cigarettes or handphone charger,

Which is disallowed at all times in Home Team Academy.

"No Sir!" I answered with a reasonable, fearful, tone.

He stared deep into my eyes, went onto one knee and starts sorting everything out,

Lifting up my battery-operated phone charger and putting it back down,

I breathed a sign of relief knowing that all my background knowledge on how to survive this ordeal has helped me alot.

She was everything that had kept me from breaking,

Even though it was a sign of breaking up,

I put in all hopes this time off will settle things right.

And my phone's life is important for me to stay in contact with my girlfriend.

"If only I knew you earlier, much earlier."

"I can't imagine life without you."

"Come back when you're done with NS."

And her last message before we parted,

"Sitting here at the waterside where we chatted, listening to your iPod in tears. I love you, Muhammad Azlan bin Ramdan."

Waking up at four in the morning,

Just so I could see her again for the last time.

Where we shared our last chats in that small hut-like place facing the riverbank,

Warm hugs and deep kisses.

And those never-ending tears with songs of goodbye.

It was all in mind at the same time,

Confusion, Disappointment, Rejection,

But my fitness instructor booming voice ran through the crowd again,

All my thoughts vanished into thin air with my face annoyed due to that very distraction.

"Now all of you trainees, yes that's what you're gonna be call from now on. HAIRCUT!"

- End of Chapter 1 -

Truth be untold

With deeper feelings, comes higher expectations,

With higher expectations, we learned pressure,

For I've always believed the priority of relationships is through conversations,

Not just both minds at peace only when we're facing each other

We went on without me ever realising,

We can never handle each other through deep conversations,

The bond, the chemistry, was with us, strengthening,

But I only made it believable to you, in my mind there was oblivion

So I took a week off, away from my graying feelings,

Re-reading our chat logs, re-understanding you, re-gathered myself,

I know I had to take my chances, attacking you where it'll hurt the most,

Manipulating your hostility, your weakness to fight your hatred,

And direct them towards me.

I've been studying you all the way back when we first met,

That is how I learned to decode your lines and impress you time to time,

Then you were disappointed in me because I can no longer do that anymore,

Because I made you believe it.

Your mind always revolves on the most obvious of reasons,

On the outer shell of everything happening around you,

That has always been your weakness,

And I exploited it.

Do you feel that inability to decide on your questions towards me now?

Do you feel your emotions are slowly twirling into a rage?

Do you feel cheated and used?

Or do you feel the need to tell yourself to prove me wrong and deny that these are not what's in your mind?

You know it yourself,

Whatever is going in your mind,

It's not pleasant.

It could either be the truth or another manipulation,

It's up to you to decode them yourself.

This was a heavy but needed sacrifice I had to make,

Since we're going nowhere with our issues in conversations,

An issue that will lead to more issues certainly,

Especially happiness in the future.

Whether we'll be friends or complete strangers,

It depends on how well you can decode my lines now,

I damage your feelings towards me cause I had to,

A little sacrifice for the greater gain.

Your aggressive and independent nature,

Has always been your strengths,

But to fit them into your puzzle,

I was never that missing piece.

My feelings were honest.

But my intentions,

Were manipulations.

Still the truth,

Will always remain untold.

Till the day you'll read into my eyes and find your answers.

Since the balcony to my decision,

I love you,

Lan

Fuck me?

Proved my point,

Focusing on my little mistakes and burning them big with exclamation marks.

If I'm like you, turning my attention only to the black dot,

I wouldn't have decide to give you opportunities to correct things back.

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Take note:

Your story is only based on you, what you did, said and me, what I did and said.

People don't know what I had to go through.

They don't know about my freaking psychological issues!

You, don't know about my psychological issues.

No, you don't!

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Anyone in the right state of mind,

Who is in close contact with you,

Will be able to tell that you have that psycho issues.

I remember telling you dwelling on it too much,

Will affect you mentally.

Overworking yourself worsens it.

There's a reason why I said that,

Because I partially know that you're suffering mentally.

And heck,

Do you even think I'm gonna go up to you and go "Hey I think you got psychology issues"?

It may be indirect,

But I know your mental issues,

Thus my actions to get that point through you.

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It's only based on one story. One-sided! What happened to your, "listen to both sides and then analyze"? huh?!

You just don't understand what's going on in my head.

You only think about your wants dude! Your wants!

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For crying out loud,

I'm the writer here,

Not the reader.

Even if you still want to force-apply that "listen to both sides" theory,

I put the sayings of us both in that entry,

I mean like really, who else is siding you right now and willing to clarify with me?

No one?

Stop complaining about something you don't even practice.

Yes,

I don't understand what's going on in your head.

That's why I had to call it off,

Prolonging it will only make us live an unhappy life.

I only think about my wants?

You didn't want to rush,

You "forgot" about the important decision you have to make.

But did I blast you all out for that?

Did I turned a deaf ear when it comes to the police case?

Did I just walked off everytime you begin about your past?

Or even,

Did I made use of you as pleasure, money, or company?

I never cared about your wants right?

So why are you even getting pissed off by the calling off if I was such a person?

All these while I stood by with words of wisdom,

With a shoulder for you to lean on when you're falling,

Still you said I never cared about your wants.

Bravo.

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This is exactly the reason why I don't involve other people in decision making esp in cases such as what we're in now. They know nothing. They only listen to one side!

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They only listen to one side because it's the only side available to them,

The other side refuses communication via hostility.

If they listen to one side,

They know something,

Again you're proving my point,

Dealing with absolutes.

If you don't even bother to voice out,

Don't complain that they only listen to one side.

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And yea.. what do you know about me? Only the present character.

Friends? They helped me? No!

Only my bestfriend did, that was only like two of my problems when I was in a freaking bad shape.

You only judge things literally.

Just shut the fck up and stop spitting things you don't know about me, esp the Natashah I used to be. You don't know THAT me, you GOON!

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Cheering you up, is a help.

Listening to your problems, is helping.

Giving you words of wisdom, is helping.

Avoiding subjects related to your mental issues, is helping.

It's you dear,

It's just you with your constant refusal to see the positive sides of things.

To appreciate the sincerity of the effort people put in,

No matter how little,

They bother because they care.

I judge to what I've seen and learned.

I spat things to what I've learned about you,

I may not know the past you,

Still I venture deeper into your life to pull that good person out of you.

The thing that changes everything was,

I failed.

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You have just made yourself a good example of a bad examiner.

Go around, telling your friends who don't know me, and then made them analyse things for you?

HAHK! Shows how bad you are at decision making. You're too dependent on others! TOO DEPENDENT!

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To be blinded when loving someone is a natural psychology effect,

I go around, telling my friends what we are going through,

What I am going through,

And gather analysis on potential outcomes there will be.

Taking it into account,

I weigh the positives and negatives and reach out for a decision.

While you only had one super fucked up relationship that you used it as a mode to see guys in negativity,

Without experiencing the real emotions when you're feeling for someone,

I had a handy where I got ditched,

I had one where religious issues were put into picture and everyone knows I made the right decision to get out of that relationship.

I apply my experiences to us,

You apply your experience to us.

If a guy ever hit a girl,

That taste will stay with him forever and the temptation to hit again is always there.

That was a theory I found truth while I listened to people life stories.

Knowing we already went through these kind of shits,

And it always happens,

You're so sure it will be a happy life for us?

I decided a No,

After letting myself vulnerable to risks while I gave in opportunities to you,

Thus,

Calling it off.

Bad at decision-making?

That's a suprise to hear from someone who went through a whole year of shits,

And still stayed right through thinking she could change things all by herself,

Instead of letting that ego down and actually listened to her friends who were trying to reach out for her.

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You have a mind of your own, nobody thinks the same way.

You have a heart of your own, nobody feels the same way.

They can only get the idea of what you're feeling.

Similar is not equivalent to same!

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Comfort comes in between people with similarities.

Nobody ever thinks or feel the same way as me,

That is why I let them come with answers to my life.

If they think the same way as I did,

How could I ever got out of this nightmare?

Brainstorms,

They exist for a reason.

Sociology,

That term exist for a reason.

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So use your thoughts, your feelings and make your own decision!

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Yes I used my own thoughts.

Yes I used my own feelings.

Yes I made my own decision.

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It's just a small issue and you had to make it as if it's such a big issue and blame me for your insomnia and paranoia?

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Your irony is killing me.

And I didn't blame you for my insomnia and paranoia,

In fact I blamed myself.

I only taught you that my paranoia is possible to be controlled by you,

But I didn't say it comes directly from you.

Get your facts right.

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IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND.

YOU, YOURSELF, DRAGGED YOUR MIND INTO THIS SHIT.

IF YOU HADN'T STARTED THE FIRE, I WOULDN'T BE BLASTING WITH FURY.

JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT BOTH OF US ARE AT FAULT.

FRIENDLY GOODBYE.

NO OTHER PARTIES INVOLVED.

WHO IS LOOKING AT THE BLACK DOT NOW?

YOU GET THAT?

GET WHAT I MEAN NOW?

BLACK DOT AND WHITE PAPER THAT YOU HIGHLY PROUD OF?

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First paragraph, good example how you're allergic to my honesty, and clearing things out. I grow fear to speak out of honesty to you because you kept thinking that I'm hostile with everything that I said, even when I'm not.

Second paragraph, and I thought you're the one who can't accept the fact that both of us are at fault?

You attacked me when I called it off,

You piled everything on me because it ended.

But NEVER admitted it was part of your doings.

Now I'm fucking telling you,

Both of us are at fault.

Third paragraph, an answer to that will be the both of us.

Depends on the frequency,

You're forever looking at the black dot.

While I see the black dot first,

And climbed out to the white paper next.

That is our obvious difference.

You stick with what happened,

I stick myself in what happened and go deeper beyond that to uncover reasons why it happened.

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Seriously man, you don't hafta rub it in and tell the whole world about it.

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Honestly I wouldn't,

If you'd stopped putting statuses on fb as if you're the victim.

And yeah,

You called me names,

And went "fck you!" on me.

So "nice" indeed.

The end has no end

The nights of constant insomnia,

The days wasted on my increasing paranoia,

The harshness of your words I kept myself surviving throughout conversations,

I've grown weary of these fights in vain.

It was a mystery how I could bring myself to that decision,

It will be no longer.

There are things you never liked about me,

And I have that fair share of mine.

I used to be able to voice out my concerns in all out honesty,

To influence him or her to see the brighter side of things,

To put in effort to get oneself into the light of things,

Not just pondering and lengthening until the darkness assumed control over them.

But I can no longer.

For every point I wanted to get through you,

I had to go through series of debates,

Series of arguments,

Even most of the times my care and concern showed tends to end up in vain.

To the extent I started to grow fear to actually be there for you when you're in trouble,

Cause' in the end, both of us will end up hurt for the arguments we fought.

My view of life and yours, they always contradicts,

Even when mine was shared amongst those close to you,

You always bring up that "I know myself better than anyone" attitude into picture.

You shunned away help when we all know you need it,

You went against all others who wanted to get to you and correct you,

When we really felt our hearts reaching out in care for you,

You destroyed it with hostility in the next instant.

You want people to stand with you,

To agree with you,

To fight for the same cause you're fighting for.

Then you felt your life is slowly deteriorating,

You felt the pressure of people going against you,

You felt what you believe is true, is turning false.

But instead of exploring possibilities why we think what we think,

You flared up at us for putting you down.

Then you started making mistakes,

And more mistakes,

Because you're determined to help yourself first,

To be independent before dependent.

But you don't see these mistakes,

You didn't see the mistakes you made along the way,

That let your past haunts you again,

Slowly playing with your mind until you become what you are now.

The efforts you put in,

Were to sustain you,

But never improving you.

I'll be honest with you on this one,

But it disturbs me like hell when you feel as if its killing you to just apologise to someone,

Even your best-friend.

At one time,

I remember how you kept saying she knows you inside out,

She's always there to help you out on problems,

And you feel damn right appreciative of her presence.

Then a fight broke out cause of the both you in hostility season.

Which then I approached you,

Talking you out on taking the first move to apologise and reclaim back the friendship,

Putting aside the ego.

A little sacrifice for the greater gain.

But no,

You chose to point out her faults,

Point out reasons why she don't make a good best friend,

Explaining to me its always you doing the "good" and she did almost nothing noteworthy,

Even dismissing the fact that you have friends.

For all I know it could have been spoken out of anger,

But in all honestly,

That was the most disgusting sight of you yet.

You kept saying it was due to you being overly-nice that people steps over your head,

But didn't you noticed?

I only heard.

But I never seen it in action.

Furthermore,

Why stopped being nice just because people steps over your head?

If it's a good thing, why stop it?

Why redirect it into hostility instead?

It makes sense if you learn to control your "nice" attitude,

But to overturned it totally,

It just puts you in a darker picture.

And I'm pretty sure,

By now you have your fingers pointed at me again,

Ready to point out all you feel is untrue,

Ready to point out that I'm blinded,

Rejecting all these faults I made you an example of.

Tell you what,

I'll cut you some slack and accept that I'm everything you point at me for.

But do yourself a little favor,

Understand the reasons, intentions, as to WHY I'm saying all these.

And the decision itself,

You know it yourself you're the second girl I had to call it off.

The first was due to religious issues,

The second was as you've said to me,

You find me a disappointment.

Hurts me like fuck to say this,

But thats what I feel too.

- Your anger is out of control

- I felt my honesty is more like a crime than a gift

- Healthy Conversations died, arguments takes its place

- You limiting your views to what you think is right

- You blasted my care back at my face with hostility

- Our views contradicts each other

- You always made me feel worthless, without explaining reasons in depth

- I've grown tired of your "You just don't get it", "You fail to read in between the lines", and theories that never fit in just to win arguments.

(12:34 AM) Natashah.: u wanted me to look at the whole we paper
yet
u only look at the balck dot
*black (12:34 AM) Catch me if yo: what black dot are you exactly talking about (12:35 AM) Catch me if yo: what black dot am i looking at
its contents?
tell me about its contents (12:35 AM) Natashah.: everything (12:35 AM) Catch me if yo: if the black dot is everything
what is the whole white paper (12:36 AM) Natashah.:
see wad i mean? (12:36 AM) Catch me if yo: nope i dont (12:36 AM) Natashah.: u just dont get it (12:37 AM) Catch me if yo: tell me (12:37 AM) Natashah.: we no longer see ye to eye (12:37 AM) Catch me if yo: if you keep throwing random quotes at me of course i wont get it (12:37 AM) Catch me if yo: there is no supporting documents that goes with it (12:37 AM) Catch me if yo: its like you giving me a chair with no legs on it
and im figuring out how to use this thing (12:38 AM) Catch me if yo: just tell me slowly (12:38 AM) Natashah.: bcoz u chose not to get it

And that,

Was the downturn of everything I hope I can still fight for.

I took that time off to talk to my friends,

My classmates,

Hearing out opinions and their views.

To prove to myself that I'm not blinded.

Then I saw the point.

What's the use of prolonging all these when you had your fair share of taste,

On winning arguments with me weakening myself just to keep you happy?

We won't be happy,

We will never be.

So I decided to called it off.

I prefer not existing in your life,

Rather than to be unreal to you and lying to myself everyday.

I never lost my feelings towards you,

It has been difficult and it still is for me to accept.

You live your life,

I live mine.

Hopefully in the future,

You see changes as lessons rather than burdens.

To Someone I Held Dearly,

Lan

"Dearly beloved are you listening?

I can't remember a word that you were saying

Are we demented or am I disturbed?

The space that's in between insane and insecure

Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?

Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed

Nobody's perfect and I stand accused

For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse"