Guess who's back?

Yeah,
Bookout.

The ones every bunkmates of mine looks forward to,
So they can get home and get well deserved rests.
Or meet up their special ones whatsoever.

To be honest,
I'm really worn out both mentally and physically right now.
But heck let's get on with some NS shits.

So in general,
It's a fucking torture.
It might be pretty enjoyable at times though.

And I don't think I really cared much about going botak on the first day.
Sure I froze up in front of the mirror,
But I think I'm getting along well with it.

It's the problems that puts me off.

Lessons especially,
I know I would have enjoyed them when my mind's is just cool and such.
They're interesting, I must say.
Cause' I find myself wanting to know more and more,
Like my interests is slowly rising.

Yet the more I learn,
The more stressful I get.

Keeping secrets is just not me,
But I have no choice now, I'm forced to do it.
Well yeah, that plays a big part of the stress syndrome.

Physicals,
We were so called "tekan" for the first week,
But we're getting used to it and starting to enjoy it bit by bit,
Believing it will benefits us.

I wish I can talk more about all this,
But maybe my mind is just too tired to think.
I wrote the latter part actually, but just backspaced them all.
I just don't feel like talking more perhaps.
Maybe just whatever wandering in my mind now.


Well.
It struck me once just before I went in.
Got through those 10 days that most of the torture came not from NS,
But outside.
To actually hold on like this, it's something I never did before.
And when it closes to the day of bookout.

I felt confident I can finally be yours again.

But it didn't happen.
It struck me again now.

Right now, I'm in the highest state of confusion I've ever gotten into.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't know what I should be doing.
And I don't know what I'm even thinking.

I still yet to understand why is it so difficult.
What is it you're so confused about.
Or perhaps afraid about.

When I saw you the first time after my bookout.
I was refraining hard from over-reacting and end up running towards you like some K-9 Dog.
And walked slowly with a smile on the face and finally hugged.

I really miss you alot.
I really love you alot.


But I'm still forcing myself hard to understand what is it that's keeping you from feeling the way I do,
When whatever you did begs to differ?

Maybe I need some rest.
Hopefully I will get some.

Tsk.

Come on you bloody policeman.
Be mindful of your thoughts,
And don't focus on the negatives.

*pinch side, and slaps own forehead*


If I have a choice;

Fiks, don't do this to me.
Again.