A man of many fears, and more chat logs

I'm afraid of myself for having so many fears.

Afraid that one day these fears will overtake me.

My mind.
My body.

My life.


Maybe one of these days,

I'll be climbing up my staircase coming back from buying cigarettes and starbucks.
One big cockroach starts chasing me from behind.
I'll run up the stairs ignoring that 2nd floor,
Up..

And up..

And away that fuck-I-seriously-hate-to-the-core cockroach pulled it's feelers back to a streamlined shape and starts flying.

Starts flying at the 11th floor.

Attempting to make a nest out of my hair.

Knowing there's no other way,
And knowing there's such a thing called Jedi Arts,
I climbed the pillar attempting to parkour my way back to 2nd floor and into my home.

But.

That fear,
Of heights.

It'll consume me as I look down to small, I mean, tiny children playing badminton,

And slowly my vision escaped me.
Shrouding my mind in darkness,
As I instead of parkouring,
Bungee-jumped without rope to my death.


With my left nipple,
Stabbed with a shuttlecock,
And sharp feathers of bird sliced through my heart.


I could never understand myself,
Why each time I'm on the bike behind my friend,
On the expressway...

I kept thinking about my family.
The need to see them again was so strong that I could see them on the inside of my visor.

My Dad karaoke-ing to P.Ramlee.

My Mom cooking black pepper beef rice while listening to the radio.

And my sister feeding my cat.

Of course,

My cat looking at me with so many kinds of horny looks.


I could never understand why am I so fearful.

From cockroaches that the reason I had a cat was to get me feeling secured.
Because she's one professional pest buster.

From the supernatural that had me looking at the window too many times before sleeping.

From heights till I will kill anyone that brings me up Mountain Everest with the flag we carry.

Too many.
Just too many.

To the extent "Braveheart" was the worst insult to me I ever experienced since 1988.


What the fuck,
That oh-so-manly job of asking girls for their numbers feels more like asking them to dig my grave for me.

Fear.


Fuck.
I lost my internet awhile back.

For I-don't-know what reason.

Nevermind.

Chat logs.

Yay.



So I talked to my so-called clone.
And no, I'm not talking about Lanny the Whatever Buddy.
I just don't feel too straight talking to him on msn.

If you're wondering why,
Go drown yourself in a pool of cockroaches.

*shivers a little*

This "clone" happens to be as fair-skinned as me "I seriously hope not".
Talks whatever I'm thinking and vice-versa.
Loves cats.
Loves molesting cats.
But I still can't get over the fact she don't know what dildo is.

Make her my "Lightside" clone.

We were talking about two photos that have our friend, Fad.
Both photos has either of us standing behind.
And this Fad,
Well,
He's dark.
Not really.

Brownie,
Yeah.

(3:12 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	one got white ass behind fad
(3:12 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	da other oso got white ass behind fad
(3:13 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	why must we whities always behind fad
(3:14 PM) :	ahahahahah
(3:14 PM) :	yeah man
(3:14 PM) :	cuz we whities
(3:14 PM) :	must make ways for some blackies
(3:15 PM) :	so tt their face can be spotted in the picture
(3:15 PM) :	u knw la
(3:15 PM) :	how some backgrounds sometimes can be slightly darker
(3:15 PM) :	ahahahaha

This is not a racist comment.
Take note.
I have friends from every race.
Yes I like comparing my skin to them.
But I'm no racist.

Maybe colorist if that word even exists.

And remember about not knowing shit about dildo?

(3:36 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	eh fafa
(3:36 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	u seriously donno wads dildo?
(3:38 PM) :	dunnoo
(3:38 PM) :	whats tt
(3:38 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	goodness
(3:39 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	im sure feeling guilty shld i tell u wad it is
(3:39 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	*imagines fafa wiv a pervertic smile*
(3:39 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	*feels encouraged*
(3:39 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	ok dildo is a sex toy for girls
(3:39 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	*feels dirty*
(3:40 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	*feels guilty*
(3:40 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	*commits suicide*

Her innocence.
My influence.

Oh I'm a bad boy.


OH AND SHE CALLED ME GERMAN

(4:26 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	u shuddup first bubble lipped arabic goldfish
(4:27 PM) :	wow. okay u german eyes punk head.

Wolfgang Alan White.
Oh how I missed that name.


Enough about this Fafa.

Now let's touch Wawa.

I mean touch on Wawa's.

Oh and btw I just can't help thinking of Papa Jahat when I saw their nicks.

Fafa
Wawa
Papa
Haha


So Ms Wawa told me about this sms she received from Mr Naz.

(2:01 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	he said, can i cum now? sempat tak
(2:01 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	hahhaha i was laughing siak
(2:01 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	AHAHAHA

(2:01 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	u tell him
(2:01 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	ahha
(2:01 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	lets cum together

I can't really help it.

(2:06 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	blg die u want to cum wiv him?
(2:06 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	ALAN
(2:06 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	tell naz bout ur movies plan
(2:06 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	STFU
(2:06 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	i angry
(2:06 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	i cum
(2:06 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	hahha
(2:06 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	diam la
(2:06 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	cumming cumming cum cum
(2:06 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	eh cb
(2:06 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	bole cumiyan
(2:06 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	shudnt tell u this sia
(2:06 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	boleh kangkang nah
(2:07 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	cause u wont kp ur mouth shut

More.

(2:49 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	after i cum out from naz house
(2:49 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	ok i see how first, cause aku nk peg kubur later petang.
(2:49 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	den we cum to u
(2:49 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	u cum to us
(2:49 PM) Nescaf3/Lan }-{:	we cum to town
(2:49 PM) Sheeee-bum!:	dont use the word CUM la cb

I love it when my cat cums to me,
Lan