18 days unbeaten run, came to an end, today.

Yeah, I guess I gotta admit it, that today, I didn't fast. 18 days of unbeaten run, came to an end today.

haiz..

All I got is myself to blame. I'm not even sick, theres like no excuse for me not to fast. But things are just too hard on me, either that or I'm just thinking too much.

Feels terrible, how I wasted my mom's money, calling McDelivery for sahur. How cruel am I to wake my mom up, get her money to pay for it, and in the end I didn't fast.

I'm so sorry, Mom. I really am.

I just don't understand myself. I tried to sleep, but my insomnia was at the worst for me. I kept thinking and thinking. It pains me that no one was there for me, maybe I'm just not strong enough. I got up and prayed, hoping it'll make things better. Yes it does, but still I listened to my own negative thoughts, and smoke.

I just can't help it, I know smoking won't make things better, but still I did. I'm just too confused at things, things that I should just put aside, things that I thought so negative on it. Shame on me for telling people to not focus on the negatives and in the end I did so myself.

Shame on me to let my tears out and ended my fast.

I just miss those times. Why the heck did I even thought all of it ended, just because lately it wasn't like that. Yes you can say that, shame on me.

I'm confused, I don't know what to think, I don't know who to talk to. I don't know why I suddenly get all pissed up, I don't know why I'll get my negativity get the better of me.

"Help me I'm just not quite myself."

"Look around there's no one else left."

You were not to be blamed.
I am.

For being so pathetic in handling my own problems myself.
I hate this side of me.
How I wish I'm like a computer, shut down and that's it.
No insomnia, no thoughts.
Just sleep.

And without those emotionally-distracting dreams.

Maybe all this happened because I kept things too close to myself.
But;

"Is it cruel or kind, not to speak my mind?
And to lie to you, rather than hurt you?"

I'm sorry to all readers, this post has been rather an unexciting one. Forgive me.


I Feel So Terrible,
Lan

"where were u wen i need u the most..*sighs*"