Realization

May 2009,
Happy and free,
With no one else around.

Just you, me, and no complications.


I've waited patiently for that opportunity,
That opportunity to come back to the moment,
Where both of us can make any stupid crap into topics in MSN,
Prolonging conversations doesn't even need thinking,
When going out was the best way to spend your day with so much joy.

I guessed I screwed everything up,
Screwed the hopes, screwed the opportunities,
Screwed the emotions,
And I see that now.

I was too desperate.

Too desperate when an opportunity present itself,
Too desperate that I ended up forcing you into shits,
Too desperate that I got paranoid over the littlest of things.

I made a grave mistake,
Instead of perfecting myself on how I was back then,
I talked about others,
I talked too much about others and I ended pissing you off again and again.

I realised all this too late,
I have been pushing all the blame on you,
I've pushed all the pressure on you,
I always think that I'm right,

But no,
That thought was a grave mistake itself.

I bombard your soul with questions after questions,
I got annoyed when I don't get an answer,
I got paranoid when I get an answer.

You were right about me,
I was trying too hard,

I was too desperate.

I just want to throw my ego away,
I've only realised all these tonight,
I was too unfair to you,
Yet I can still proclaimed myself being your saviour.

I'm finally back to my senses,
I really am.

And now,
I beg for your forgiveness,
I deeply apologise for whatever I''ve done all these while since November,
I finally understand what you meant when you said you're suffocating because of me.

Because I pushed everything to you.

I'm sorry.
I really am.
I apologised thousand of times,

But this,
Is my most important apology to you.

I give you my word,
This will be the turning point for me.
Maybe for you too.

Forgive me,
For whatever I've done.

I've been blinded by my own mind all these while.

Please sunshine,
Forgive me,

For this realization will greatly help me out,
Give me a chance to feel myself again.

For the Lan you knew on Mayday,
I seek your forgiveness.

Oh and,

I miss you.

Thank you God for opening my eyes,
Lan